Thoughts.............

I have had two evenings out with friends in the past two weeks (so rare).............it has been great, i miss being able to go out and act goofy and have conversations, laugh and just be with friends..............i dont have to worry about my 2 yr old running amuck! It has been a little tough this summer because jimi has had a very busy schedule and it has been olivia and i alot of the time. There hasnt been much time for friends or me time or couple time. But olivia and i have had a good time just hanging out. I'm afraid that when school starts it will be hard on all of us................I will have to transition into work mode, jimi will have to transition into not having me around all the time to keep olivia, so he will have to think and plan his schedule around livi instead of going on his own schedule all the time, and livi will be transitioning back into having daddy hanging around all day (which, to be honest, means less structure and less of a balanced diet!) Can you tell i'm a little bit of a control freak!? I have always had issues with them being home and i am not able to control what they do all day without me here! i'm the same way in my classroom, i have trouble not being able to control what happens when im not there, i didnt have much trouble when livi was born because it was the very end of the school year. But now i will be gone 2-3 months in the middle of the year and will have to go back to those same kids. i'm trying not to be nervous. The school year is always stressful, even more so since olivia. I have alot of passion for my job, and i want to be an amazing mom, and i also have to be there for my husband, and when your husband is in the ministry, that is like an extra job. Its not a 9-5 or 40 hr a week job and neither is teaching. how do you balance all that passion and keep it alive? can you be good at all those things or can you be good at just one and the others fall away? Is it better to throw yourself into one passion and do it well or spread yourself thin and do it all? These are questions i keep coming back to and wondering how the busyness of life will affect my job, my family, relationships, and the ministry?
At this point i cant give the ministry as much face time as i would like because when jimi is there, i'm running after olivia. i would love to give myself to just one: teaching or being there for olivia and the ministry. unfortunately i cant do everything.
sometimes i think if i had a less demanding job (like just a job) that i would be able to invest more of myself, but then i think: what else would i do that would support my family, provide benefits and provide me good working hours.
Again, these are just thoughts that i think when i sit and think....................
Anyway, i had a feeling today.................i think this little boy is going to come into the world a little early. Just a prediction. i could be wrong, but it was just a feeling i had. i'm so excited about having another little one, until i start thinking about the details, like going back to work and having to come home to two little ones at night and manage them on my own after a busy day at school. But we will cross that bridge when we get there!
This week we have a busy, but fun week planned! We are going to the zoo tomorrow, then the parade on tuesday, coney island on wednesday i have to get some work done on thurs and fri and get my hair done! Then sunday early early, we are leaving for vacation in virginia beach. We are all excited about vacation. This will be our first family vacation and our first beach vacation! I cant wait to listen to the ocean and see the expansiveness of it. i love the ocean, it is one of the most spiritual places on earth, along with the mountains.AAAHHHHH creation and the depths of it! And i get to take my husband away from phone calls, texts and the computer for a whole 5 days! i'm excited to see livi's reaction to the beach, seeing it for the first time!
After vacation i'm back to work right away and praying for a less challenging school year! HA!

sometimes i just want to scream............

sometimes i just want to scream

just sit with me and have a conversation ...............
make me the only thing that matters in that moment....................
look into my eyes.....................
desire to know me..................
care about what matters to me............no matter how silly it seems
listen to me..........be sensitive to my needs

there i'm done..................

The paint department

The paint department at lowes just may be my favorite place in the world. The colors surround me and i could just sit there and soak them all in. i wish i could take all the paint samples and cut them up and make some kind of colorful collage. Because that would be awesome! I think they would start to get suspicious if i took a sample of each though! The paint department is filled with decorative inspiration. They have catalogs that show you how to put colors together in a room or you can use your imagination! the opportunities are endless! it is dangerous and sometimes puts my marriage in jeopardy :) because i am constantly wanting to paint or renovate or make something old look new. But that is the beauty of it. since i dont get to paint or create as often, my house becomes my canvas!
Anyway, livi and i went to go get paint for the baby's room. (Because he needs a blue room of course!) Livi was excited and kept talking about the paint. She was sitting in the cart at the paint desk and we were discussing what they were doing with the paint, how they were fixing the color to match what we wanted and then he put it in the big box that shakes and we were talking about how that mixes the paint. So livi kept saying "it mix, it mix, it mix mommy?" It stopped shaking and livi yells "It's done!" to the workers at the paint desk. They just started cracking up. The man said," Your mommy must buy alot of paint, we have people that work here that dont even know that!" They were so tickled. So livi has a job at the lowes paint desk when she is old enough. They were enamored by her and she was eating it up!
We also went down the tile aisle because i just have to look. And i always ooh and aahh and if jimi is with me, he just rolls his eyes and heads for the door. but livi was oohing and aahhing with me and i looked at her and with love in my eyes, told her how happy i was she shared my enthusiasm for tile! we even rubbed our fingers over the beautiful tiles and she was just as excited as i was! It made my day! We may be a dangerous pair later in life, especially at lowes!!

a fighting spirit.......

So i was thinking the other day, how i'm tired of fighting, but i dont see it ending soon............
As a kid, i always fought for what i thought was right, standing up and asking questions when things didnt seem right or fair, i was always concerned when it came to things being fair between boys and girls for some reason..............especially when it came to church, it always seemed like it was decades behind and i was first to take notice................
the fight as a teen was to survive in the midst of some crazy family situations.............find a place i fit in and a place to be myself...............a fight to come out on top without being tainted by the craziness, to move on and remaining sane for everyone else's sake.......................i needed to be the stable rock and stand up to the abuse we were put through as kids...........i was definite on not letting the abuse i suffered as a kid ruin my life.................i fought for my sanity and most days stood up for myself, no matter what that meant in the long run....................
the only time i remember not having to fight is in college, maybe it has slipped my mind, but the only thing i remember about college is the fun, not the fight, i remember the search for my soul, what i believed, what i thought and what my dreams in life were and the constant affirmation that i was home..............i finally found a place where i belonged, a place and people that encouraged me to be me and saw the best in me...............
After college i fought for my career. I decided in college to lay my logic aside and to go where no one else wanted to be, despite many who discouraged me. They said it would be tough and i would see, not everyone is cut out for that kind of work. They were right, but i knew i wanted to be there, i knew exactly what district i wanted to work in which is why when i moved home i moved into the community of covington. It WAS where i wanted to be. It wasnt just the first job that came along, or what i had to settle for......................That first year of teaching was tough, the toughest year yet, i hated most of it, but God placed some people there to encourage along the way, it was a fight the whole year to keep my sanity..................to teach these children who were already tainted by the culture and society they lived in..................10 and 11 yr olds, already into things of a sexual nature, drugs, fighting (oh the fighting was terrible, parents would bring their children up to school to start a fight against other kids!!!! where i came from that was unheard of!) and taking care of younger siblings because no one else was home or cared.............they were moved around, put down and given up on for the most part. That year was a fight, but i fought and came out on top. I kept fighting year after year and i continue to fight for what is right for my children, not what is right at a political standpoint, for the school or for the district, or to please the higher ups or parents, but what is right for my children. It is a constant battle and we are the hardest workers, we have to take what we are given and raise them to high standards, despite the disadvantages they already face, they are accountable just the same as the kids who have every family and economic advantage. We fight for our kids to come out on top and to inspire them to be their best.
Even in my marriage, we had to fight to survive. Especially that first year. Some crazy things happened that i would have totally walked out on if i didnt have the will to fight for my marriage and not give up. We are better today for it and i believe in years to come we will be able to help others with what we have been through and continue to battle.
The fight seems to go on in every church i have been apart of, as a child i observed some injustices in the church, (what i thought were injustices) ie: i can remember going to mass and we wrote a petition to let girls be "alter boys", not that i even wanted to be one, i just didnt want to be told no because i was a girl. or at my dad's church questioning why only men were called on to pray, and they would always pray in these big lofty words that were difficult to understand. As an college student, i never really had a home church, there were times we went here or there and knew people from everywhere because it was a small town. Mostly our job at church was to serve, we were the ministry teams and traveled to different churches putting together services or events to serve their community and help their church. We had "church" on campus. We lived in community with each other, so it wasnt ever like i needed to go to a church building although we did go, it was ingrained in us, but it was the least of my spiritual experiences when i just went and attended a sunday service.
It seems when i came home and of course from all the ministry experiences i had in college it was only natural to jump into ministry somewhere. Which is where my husband comes in. I tried to jump in along side him, but again there was a fight. There was always a fight between what he felt was good for the teens and what the "others" thought was right and good and looked good for teens. What they thought and expected him to do was not what was healthy for anyone. It was a constant battle, too much to even explain.
After we parted ways, it was a fight to keep the spiritual light alive after being hurt. It is still a fight.....................
Now we are at grace, jimi has begun a youth ministry there................and starting anything from scratch is a fight! There is a fighting spirit in the people that have fought to see it survive. But others are just there. It is a fight for jimi, trying to reach out to these teenagers, mostly in crisis, trying to get them involved and excited and teach them the art of thinking beyond themselves. It is a long fight, a fight with alot of effort and hours and hours. (which mostly leaves me at home fighting with a two yr old :) I may not always be there fighting with him, but i'm trying to hold down the fort at home and taking on his battles here in spirit. I feel the fight. I see the fight in the eyes of the leaders. But i'm not sure their fight is enough to carry everyone else. This may sound weird or vague, but i'm not sure their fight SHOULD be enough to carry everyone else. It's not fair to make them fight and battle when everyone else gets to watch from the sidelines. Why does it always have to be a fight?



So all in all, there are so many days when i get tired of the fight. But i guess all this reminds me how God has built me. Maybe he built me for the fight. he even lets me fight with him! All the times i have had to fight to survive, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, has made me a warrior. And as they say, if it's not worth fighting for, it's not worth it. Almost everything in my life has worth because of the fight. So remind me of that when i get weary and want to give up the fight. i was built with a fighting spirit, so life............ dont get in my way!

toddler or puppy???

i promise some days i do not know whether i have a 2 year old or a puppy. Livi pees everywhere! (i'm sure she will hate me for this when she is 16). Her diapers no longer hold her pee. She often takes her diapers off and runs from me then pees on the floor or under the table. She then thinks its funny and splashes around in it. Not more than 3 months ago we were doing well with potty training, she was excited about going to the big girl potty and she was starting to tell me when she had to go. But things have gone in reverse, now she does not want to even try to go to the potty and instead will run from me when i try to change a wet or dirty diaper! In addition to her pee issue, she now has entered a licking phase. If we are just sitting on the couch, if she is feeling feisty, she will climb on you and lick you. Arms, face, chest, whatever skin is exposed. We have tried to get her to stop, but she thinks its hilarious! Am i dealing with a toddler or a puppy?

sometimes i hate being a grownup............

i really am not superwoman and it shows..................my patience most days runs thin by the end and reinventing creative ways to get livi to do things gets tiring............... even in the summer i cant seem to keep up with everything, i am just getting my car ready to sell, and today we get a letter in the mail from the health department telling me that i cannot keep my "inoperable" car stored in my driveway on the side of my house. Apparently it is unlawful in norwood. But the thing is my car is not inoperable, it had a leaky tire, all i had to do was fill it with air! Really people! The car is barely noticeable from the street because it sits in the driveway in front of the other two cars so it is pulled all the way up to the side of the house. I wanna know who declared my car inoperable! i'm so confused! The only person i can think that would have complained about my car would be the only one who can see it, our neighbor who has yet to live in the house next to us. The house next to us has been literally crumbling and a mess and vacant for the whole 2 and 1/2 years we have lived here and all of the sudden a work crew has been there everyday gutting and i assume, remodeling. yet their weeds still hang over in my driveway, and their wall to the porch crumbled in my driveway. Did i mention the notice said our grass was too long and that we have a tree in our backyard with a limb that needs to be taken down because it is loose. What in the world!? I am not superwoman! I cant keep up! But it hurts that someone would complain and rub it in my face instead of asking me about my perfectly operable car! There is a leak in my kitchen ceiling that still needs to be fixed, i was just about to hire someone when my dad offered to work on it while we were on vacation. AHHHHHH thank you daddy! Let's hope dad knows what he is doing! I still need to paint the nursery and i am thinking twice about it, just because i dont know if i will be able to find the time. I have baby stuff to go through, i wanted to get the third floor organized instead of just storage. There are piles of stuff mounting up all around the house from my husband. And no one seems to care if there is food on the floor, stains on the carpet, toys everywhere, things broken, except for me! I think i may go insane today! I'm a little off my rocker anyway. I just feel overloaded and i cant imagine what will happen to me when school starts again, I cannot come home to chaos, it may just skyrocket my bloodpressure and then i would really be in trouble. Jimi has been superbusy with alot of commitments so it has just been livi and i most days and i'm in need of some time to just spend with friends or even by myself without working on something or running after my very active two year old. I think i'll be ok, i'm just in need of venting some overwhelming emotions. Maybe its my hormones. ugh! i'm just done and i dont want to think. It's been a long week already and there is still a holiday!

sometimes i really hate being a grownup............will someone please take my responsibilities or at least help ease the burden??!!!

a little revelation..............

so i had a mini revelation this morning, nothing big, but encouraging none the less...................
i always find it amazing how carol talks to god (because its perfectly suited for her) and a little freakish :) (love you carol!)
but here i was sitting in church this morning, usually the last place i find him, on a sunday morning (of course thats all me)..........
we were participating in a prayer experience, led by our own initiative and a montage of videos, songs and verses including communion
i feel a little weird getting down and crazy with god and opening myself up to a true worship experience on a mild sunday morning, especially when most others (not everyone! :) ) are mild mannered and proper church folk..........
i applaud the leadership for doing something different, unfortunately i dont always think everyone is able to run with it..........and most of the time that is me...............but i'm open.........i sat and participated quietly, reading and singing, but ignoring my heart, well................it would be best to say i avoided my heart.................i was just being a good church goer and trying to focus my attention on what was going on.................
then all of the sudden it started...........
an impromptu conversation with God.....................
there is a secret burden and struggle that i carry and most days dont want to face god with it on my shoulders............i am stubborn and think i can take care of it (and should take care of it) on my own...................
all i remember is looking down at my jersey dress and stretching the hem with my fingers, forgetting anyone else was around me, i couldnt hold back the tears, i dont even remember how it began, but it was the most rational conversation with god i've ever had.............especially sitting in the middle of a room full of people...............
Get this people: i actually talked to god about my struggle............yeah i know what you are saying: duh katie!
I asked him why this was my struggle, why was i bearing this, i assured him i am alone in this,
His response: you are not alone, my response: i am alone, this is my struggle, no one elses, and i would be ashamed if anyone else knew, no one would understand, and He said, this is yours to share.................
and the conversation goes: I cant share............maybe when it is through, but not now, i am not ready to share.............
God: share it with me
Stubborn me: I can take this myself, it is not yours to bear, i will clean the mess i made
God: i love you, you know that i love you
Me: yes, i know that.................but i'm not sure i understand what that means............
God: this is what it means: I want to share your struggle, i want to bear it too, i want to carry it when it gets too heavy for you......................

In my head: i am thinking............well first.....i'm thinking i'm crazy............because my brain isnt thinking but its speaking, so either i am crazy and have two people in my head.........or this conversation is really happening! :)
And...........i am thinking.........that makes sense...........because no one would bear my struggle for me, no one would go through my pain, unless they loved me..............that is love..........right?
ok God, point taken.........
at this point i am a silent mess................just so surprised that god still loves me and will talk to me perfectly even though i sit in sin and struggle.....................
so i understand a little bit better now, when carol speaks of her conversations with god, and they perfectly fit her.............because today there is no reason to avoid a conversation with God because he spoke perfectly to me where i am and wasnt angry, i guess he knew i was angry enough for the both of us :)............................

i know it is small beans..............but it was huge to me...........he found me.........he found me..........
of course the conversation was a little bit longer, but i wont share it all...........
i assured him that i might screw up, he said he knew already and its ok.......as long as i am with him..........

ive never known that kind of love, the kind that loves through anything...........its pretty amazing to me that its even available to me ..............as hard as my head and my heart is!