Warning: the blog is everywhere.....i cannot be held completely responsible for the contents since its after 9:00

Do you ever just think about the way you felt at a certain time in your life and want to feel that way and stay in that place for a while? I have been reminiscing lately about different great times in my life...............the way it felt to be away at college (oh how i loved college, and it wasnt for the education!), how it felt on vacation, the day i got married, or the first time livi slept through the night,or really the first time she got up to eat at 3:00 in the morning and went right back to sleep(because that's just as good to me), it was the "I'm going to stay up from 2:00am to 5:00 am that nearly did me in, early high school memories, spending time with friends, pool days, girls nights, conversations, and in those moments i remember BEING, not much else mattered, and i was happy. And today i reminisce and think that i hope i feel the same way about these days that i felt about all those great memories. And i try each day to BE in each minute, hour and second............though i get to be a vegetable around this time of night...................but i have realized that being busy keeps my head more in check, not overwhelmingly busy, but busy, i am not as lazy and i feel more focused...............so here is to BEING in each moment and making memories that you will want to remember................

I feel motivated, i am genuinely starting to love and get to know my 26 children, as crazy as it has been, it is definitely not the worst. I finally feel like i have something to offer and i am becoming an expert in my field of sorts and then i am going to go changing up !! But i guess if you stay the same there is no opportunity for growth, so i am trying to look at it this way, though it will be tough to leave behind all i know and love about what i do now..............I enjoy going to work most days, but have been a little worn out and somedays i feel like i am not giving olivia my best energy because i am zapped and we play, but my patience is shorter and my body tired, i am really trying to balance it all, i want to give her my best, and i also want to give my work my best, because this is what i have been called to do ( i know that), can i do it all?? that is the question???but being supermom, superteacher, superstudent, super wife( though my husband would probably disagree) and ruler of the household chores is exhausting and i feel like i am missing something because people do it all the time........................so share your secrets!!!!

Ok......i feel like the little engine that could........i think i can !!! If you see me crashing please help me remember that i can do this with or without super powers! But i may need you as my back bone to help me stand some days.............

I had a vision the other day, we were talking about running the race in church, and for a moment i was engaged, (crazy as that may sound), and i just bluntly told god that i am not even on the track, i went on to let him know ( like he doesnt) that i dont even see the track, he went on to show me the track, oddly enough it looked like one of those google earth, virtual tour type things you would see on a computer, instead it was in my head.........................but anyway, i saw the track then as it the perspective zoomed out i saw beyond: the rivers, caverns, mountains, fire ............and a great big wall that didnt seem to end..........................all of this between me and the track.................and i said ( to myself of course because if i talk out loud people tend to think i am crazy, rightfully so) " I cant do that, cant get there, dont even know where to start" but god said " but katie, you put it there." REALLY, no, that is all MY doing, and i feel pretty confident that since i put it there he is not going to take it away.....................i did admit to being scared and not believing i could do this alone, he said i didnt have to, but if you know me.......................i am not quite sure i believe him.................judge me if you wish................but i will openly admit that i dont trust this god i thought i knew.................................that i no longer know......................so could it be true................what do i do? did i put this stuff in my way? Can i even make it to the track? Or the real question, do i want to ?

principals.........

WE all have principles, but my my principal pulled a prank today that made me question his principles.................today we had our first fire drill, we had no time to practice so i just explained what would happen to these clueless little people........the bell rang and of course we start out, i'm trying to keep a hold on my long long long line amidst the chaos................we all get to the fence and line up as i am trying to check other lines for strays, the principal comes to check up and asks how they did and if everyone is here, so i count heads and i only count 25, which is right because i have one absent, no wait, she came in late, i should have 26, let me count again, maybe i miscounted.........counted again, no only 25, wait i think i may be missing someone, where could they be, i have no idea who would be missing I HAVE 26 KINDERGARTNERS! Then my principal says, You passed the test, ha! Glad you noticed! He hid one of my kids behind the door of the building! Every teacher out there gave him an evil look and was horrified that he would do that to a kindergartner on the first fire drill and a teacher with 26 KINDERGARTNERS! My response....................REALLY?!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!!! IF YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE ONE NOW YOU HAVE TO KEEP HIM!!! Which is a joke because he would never get his hands dirty with us down in little people land in kindergarten......... UGH! Frustration........my frustrations goes beyond the joke as you probably have noticed, but i wont go into it, he is my boss! :)

Day 5 and flies

Day 5 of school down and 26 children and counting..........no longer have any patience and i am already in survival mode...........i always wish i could teach another grade for the first month or two, but it really doesnt help to have 26 children in a small room all day and PMS.............
But now i am home trying not to think about tomorrow or the day i've just had, watching two flies buzz at the window for the last hour, livi was fascinated by them and tried to grab them several times, their just so tired she almost had them a couple of times..............so this brings me to this conclusion.............at least my life isnt that bad.........i'm not a fly trying to get out of a unopenable window ...............or am i ??? AAAHHHHHHH

I must be crazy........

So if you havent heard, i may have lost my mind. Well maybe i'm losing my mind........either way, let me explain. So the good news..........after this semester i will have a masters degree from xavier and be free! maybe? Yes, you guessed it i am thinking about going back again, no i dont want to be a doctor, though i might as well be for all the years of school i have put in. So here is the story as it seems now....................my district has been thinking about piloting a public montessori program, of which i am on the committee that has been exploring this option considering my history and interest in the Montessori methodology, I took my masters at xavier to explore Montessori more but never pursued a credential because i had no use for it..................anyway, it looks like my district will be developing a montessori program in place and offered teachers with interest in the district an opportunity to pursue a Montessori credential to teach in the program............the classes would count towards a graduate degree and be offered at a discount through xavier.................my response: YOUR ABOUT TWO YEARS TOO LATE!!! Some of you may know, or may not know that i am a little disillusioned with my current position...........i am teaching children, but am required to teach in a manner that is against my teaching philosophy and it eats away at me, it gets worse every year as i get more aggravated each year...................and i semi-tried to get a position at norwood to try to help my situation, but this could be the perfect opportunity to explore a new option and teach in a different way, believing in the Montessori philosophy of education, i might just rise up from the dust and disillusionment i currently find in education................so ..............what am i saying............i may be going back to school and jumping into a new position next august if things fall into place, and by "fall into place" i mean if i get some kind of financial assistance from someone, something, somewhere............a higher up from the district in charge of leading this transition made me believe if i really wanted to do this and money was a major roadblock that she would work on helping me find the means to pursue this...............so that was hopeful but not guaranteed.............so the downfall, i will be jumping headfirst into a new program, certification and another degree of sorts, while still teaching full time and starting this new program in my own classroom with 0 experience next august. Going back to school in the evenings and changing careers per say, means more stress on my family and our "growing" family plans would be put on hold..................which i was looking forward to trying for another baby this spring and giving olivia a sibling, but if i am in the midst of all this i dont think that would be a good decision.........another thought is that this of course would be the workload ............anyway..............so you can see i am still working through this, it is something i really want to do, but am scared and i dont want to be a bad mom, does it make me a negligent mother to focus on my career too?? I get a guilty feeling sometimes, all i ever wanted to be was a mommy, now i am and i realize not only do i want to be a mommy, but there are other things i want also. Is that ok? or should i be focusing on ways to be able to stay home with my kids? If i dont take opportunity will i regret it? or should i just opt out and focus on my family and push through my job? So there it is............i hope i made it clear...........what do you think? AM i crazy?? The good thing? If i do decide to do this it opens up various and diverse opportunities to me, i will finish school completely around the time she is three and never have to go back because i will have reached the top rank and i will get a pay raise. OK..............what do you think..........i really want to know...................be honest...........and pray for my decision

2nd day of school

I must be crazy! Considering a career change on the second day of school, but it is not what you might think. More on this when and if i get time!!

YUM!

Pizza Monster!

WARNING: Still cute even when messy!

Summer fun!

Summertime...are you still here?

I'm sitting here, minutes til midnight, looking at the moon half covered by a cloud, through my front window. I wish i could stay here forever, its safe here, livi in bed, jimi gone and its just me...........me and the computer and the tv and a glass of koolaid of course. ok..........so there is not much time in the day to sit and be introspective ( to use chrissi's word) ...................but these times that i do have i choose not to, there is too much to think about, catch up on and do. Busy should be my middle name. But there is a sense of accomplishment when i am busy too............so i cant say that i dont like it, but it does leave me lacking too. If i could create the perfect event it would be spending time with friends but accomplishing something at the same time..........that way quality time is not interrupted by thoughts of what is looming over me.........so i am super excited about my girlie night of fun!!! I havent had a night with the girls since before olivia, so i am sooooo excited. We will paint, clean, drink, eat, talk, dance maybe??!!! watch movies, lounge around, and act like we have no responsibilities in the world. that is my wish for next friday. so this is your official invitation to a girlie painting party! I miss my friends!


anyway.......summer update......my last summer class was last night.......and i have meetings monday and tuesday and then maybe then i will get a little bit of a summer..........wait no.......i have a million home organization and improvement projects on my to do list before i go back to school........how do you be a superwoman.........because i try and try to do everything but i'm lacking and overwhelmed, where in the world did all this responsibility come from..................


on another personal note........i have been shopping alot lately, something i do when i am avoiding cleaning or procrastinating on housework during the summer, not great for the pocketbook(who uses that word anymore?), i really like buying things, and i love clothes, i realize this is a selfish indulgence, but it makes me fell good about myself, trying to make myself pretty, but just when i think i am satisfied with my body, accepting it the way it is after baby.............i have a bad fat day, try on all my clothes to just be disgusted with myself and realize in a depressing manner, how do i discipline myself to lose weight and tone up?? I LOVE FOOD!! and my new addictive vice this summer: sweet tea and pop! UGH! I think i would be better if my husband wasnt home during the day, he always eats out and pulls me into the bad habits...........though i love him being home, i just have to be more deliberate about what i eat and drink and how i exercise............but HOW!! i need a partner.........

it seems as i close in on 30, everything is falling apart. After i had livi, my body changed, my hair continues to break off( i have this funky spike on the top of my head now, not intended), my face and skin are total crap and i spend my free time going to the doctor.................when i would rather be dancing............silly?......no.......really.............i miss dancing ............i want to dance again..................maybe i could find an exercise class that incorporates dance.............livi and i and jimi dance all the time.........livi loves it and that excites me, she is so doggone cute!


Does life ever slow down? i guess not with my super active 1 year old! :)

I have come to accept with my spiritual state of being, i think i change the outward appearance of myself and my house because i feel like i can control that and change it easily..............i dont feel like i can change my spiritual state of mind.........and the further i get from any interest in the spiritual and finding hope again.........the bigger the chasm grows between my husband and i..................
we are opposites and very independent people, which is terrific, but when we were married the strongest bond we had and one of the only things we had in common was spiritual...............now that i have gone in a different direction its tough, but my husband is the most loyal man in the world to his hope..........it's a very attractive quality...........we are constantly working hard at considering each other, my hope is that through the years we grow closer instead of further apart and we find more that we might enjoy together, more in common and i get over myself ..............

love yous.....................

In just one year

How the time flies....